People Skills

🚀 The Book in 3 Sentences

🎨 Impressions

I find it quite intersting, there are a some good descriptions in the book.

✍️ My Top Quotes

• “Man’s supreme achievement in the world is communication from personality to personality.”

• The deepest problem of people is loneliness, isolation, and difficulty of self-esteem in our society. Whereas the problem in Freud’s early decades was sexual repression, and the chief problem in the early thirties, when Karen Horney wrote, was disguised hostility, today it is loneliness.

• There are two kinds of aloneness. Solitude can be a creative, joyous, full aloneness. But loneliness is a painful, dead, empty aloneness. Loneliness is being acutely aware of one’s isolation and alienation from others.

• Eighty percent of the people who fail at work do so for one reason: they do not relate well to other people.

• Four roadblocks fall into this category—criticizing, name-calling, diagnosing, and praising. They are all variations on a common theme—judging the other person.

• Psychologist Carl Rogers delivered a lecture on communication in which he said he believes the major barrier to interperpersonal communication lies in our very natural tendency to judge—to approve or disapprove of the statements of the other person.

• Although the tendency to make evaluations is common in almost all interchange of language, it is very much heightened in those situations where feelings and emotions are deeply involved. So, the stronger our feelings, the more likely it is that there will be no mutual element in the communication.

• The word comfort comes from two Latin words, con and fortis. The combination literally means “strengthened by being with.”

• Certain ways of verbalizing carry a high risk of putting a damper on the conversation, being harmful to the relationship, triggering feelings of inadequacy, anger, or dependency in the other person, or all of these things.

• Attending is giving your physical attention to another person. I sometimes refer to it as listening with the whole body.

• “Each region of the body can be oriented in such a way that it invites, facilitates, or holds an interpersonal relation. Or it can be oriented in order to break off, discourage, or avoid involvement.”

• Inclining one’s body toward the speaker communicates more energy and attention than does leaning back or sprawling in the chair. When a public speaker has his audience enthralled, we say, “He has them on the edge of their seats.”

• Facing the other squarely, your right shoulder to the other’s left shoulder, helps communicate your involvement. The common phrase “He gave me the cold shoulder” suggests the indifference or rejection that can be communicated by not positioning yourself to face the other person.

• Maintaining an open position with arms and legs uncrossed is another important part of the posture of involvement.

• To listen is to move. To listen is to be moved by the talker—physically and psychologically…. The non-moving, unblinking person can reliably be estimated to be a non-listener…. When other visible moving has ceased and the eyeblink rate has fallen to less than once in six seconds, listening, for practical purposes, has stopped.

• The ability to have good eye contact is essential for effective interpersonal communication in our society. Sometimes it cannot be used maximally because others are uncomfortable with it. Often, however, it is one of the most effective of the listening skills.

• A. G. White’s study of medical case-history interviewing discovered that 55 percent of the patients initially sat at ease when no desk separated the patient and the doctor; only 10 percent were at ease when a desk separated the patient from the doctor.

• Beatrice Glass’s car collided with another auto. As soon after the accident as possible she telephoned her husband, Charlie, and reported that she had been in an accident. “How much damage did it do to the car?” was his immediate response. When he had that information, Charlie asked, “Whose fault was it?” Then he said, “Don’t admit a thing. You phone the insurance company and I’ll call our lawyer. Just a minute and I’ll give you the number.” “Any more questions?” she asked. “No,” he replied, “that just about covers it.” “Oh, it does, does it?” she screamed. “Well, just in case you are interested, I’m in the hospital with four broken ribs!”

• One of the primary tasks of a listener is to stay out of the other’s way so the listener can discover how the speaker views his situation.

• Door openers typically have four elements: A description of the other persons body language. “Your face is beaming today.” “You look like you are not feeling up to par.” An invitation to talk or to continue talking. “Care to talk about it?” “Please go on.” “I’m interested in what you are saying.” Silence—giving the other person time to decide whether to talk and/or what he wants to say. Attending—eye contact and a posture of involvement that demonstrates your interest in and concern for the other person.

• Thomas Carlyle and Ralph Waldo Emerson sat together for hours one night in utter silence until one rose to go and said, “We’ve had a grand evening!”

• As philosopher Alfred North Whitehead said: “The success of language in conveying information is highly overrated….”

• Perhaps that is why the French novelist Victor Hugo advised, “When a woman is speaking to you, listen to what she says with her eyes.”

• The therapist Frieda Fromm-Reichman devised a method that helped her sense what her clients were feeling. She knew that posture and body movement were clues to her clients’ emotions. So she would sensitively try to match her clients’ posture and gestures with her own body. Fromm-Reichman focused on what she was feeling when she assumed the client’s position and her understanding of that client increased greatly.

• Empathy is listening with your heart as well as with your head.

• The composer Grieg set to music Ibsen’s poem “To a Waterfowl.” When Ibsen first heard the score, he gripped Grieg’s hand and whispered, “Understood! Understood!”

• When the listener makes several interchangeable responses and then goes beyond what the speaker communicated, the response is additive.

• *Guidelines for improved reflective listening include:

  • Don’t fake understanding.
  • Don’t tell the speaker you know how he feels.
  • Vary your responses.
  • Focus on the feelings.
  • Choose the most accurate feeling word.
  • Develop vocal empathy.
  • Strive for concreteness and relevance.
  • Provide nondogmatic but firm responses.
  • Reflect the speaker’s resources.
  • Reflect the feelings that are implicit in questions.
  • Reflect during brief interactions.

• I like to think of listening and assertion as the yin and yang of communication. Vital relationships involve both asserting and listening. The yang of assertion is the disclosure to another of what the speaker feels, needs, desires. The yin of listening is understanding and acceptance offered to another in times of stress or joy.

• Experts in communications skills estimate that less than 5 percent of the population can be expected to communicate assertively.

• People who typically behave submissively demonstrate a lack of respect for their own needs and rights.

• Another likelihood is that when people try to hold back their emotions, they get expressed indirectly. When this happens, submissive people become masters of the put-down. In the guise of being “helpful,” they may become occupied in extensive fault finding. Or withhold sex. They can subtly and perhaps unconsciously try to ruin the good times others are having. They become saboteurs, undermining the efforts of others. They make cutting remarks. Or they may avoid others or silently terminate a relationship. These approaches are indirectly hostile, alienating, and destructive. When anger is expressed through these disguises, it adds to the interpersonal problem rather than contributing to its solution.

• Effective assertion is characterized by firmness without domination. It vigorously defends one’s own space while steadfastly refusing to violate the trespasser’s turf.

• When I want another person to modify a behavior that is intrusive on my space, the method I use must meet the following criteria: There is a high probability that the other will alter the troublesome behavior. That is, the method needs to be effective in protecting my space. There is a low probability that I will violate the other person’s space. There is little likelihood of diminishing the other person’s self-esteem. While I cannot control how another person will react to what I say, I can discipline myself not to use blaming, put-down, or other derogatory kinds of language. There is low risk of damaging the relationship. Of course, if a relationship is very fragile, even the most tactful assertion may be the final act that severs it. In fragile relationships, however, submission is often as dangerous to the relationship as assertion, or even more dangerous. In most healthy relationships, effective assertion strengthens the relationship over the long haul. It is normally a bonding factor between mature people. There is a low risk of diminishing motivation. There is little likelihood that defensiveness will escalate to destructive levels. An assertion message can be phrased in ways that are less likely to provoke excessive defensiveness in the other person. And defensiveness-reducing methods can be used when the other person does experience greater stress.

• Assertions are weakened by inferences because we often guess wrongly about the internal state of another—and even when we are right, the other probably won’t admit

• Assertion theory tells us that an individual’s feelings are part of his personal space. We have no right to try to control someone else’s feelings (since that is meddling in their space), but we can try to alter behaviors that intrude on our space.

• Describe the behavior in specific rather than fuzzy terms.

• Limit yourself to behavioral descriptions. Do not draw inferences about the other person’s motives, attitudes, character, and so on.

• Make your behavior description an objective statement rather than a judgment.

• “Most marriage bonds are not broken on the rocks in a great storm; they are worn away by the endless battering of pebbles, … the tiny conflicts and seemingly petty irritations of daily life.” Judge Joseph Sabath, commenting on the 100,000 divorce cases he has heard, reflected, “Usually it isn’t the big arguments or even physical blows, but the constant hammering and chiseling in a thousand different ways that signal the lethal warrant of their union.”

• Sixth, be sure to assert to the right person. People commonly confront the wrong person. This is known as a misattributed assertion. When there is trouble at work, a person may become more confrontative at home.

• The more we express our feelings, the more we sharpen our emotional awareness.

• For a behavioral rehearsal, select a quiet place and arrange to be uninterrupted. Write your message before you send it. Instruct the person role-playing the other’s part to respond defensively at first. Demonstrate some examples of defensiveness. For the first “dry run,” allow the other to be defensive in whatever ways she chooses. The key is for you to remember to alternate between assertion and reflective listening. Later, you may wish to tell or show your practice partner how the recipient of your message is apt to respond. If she can role-play that type of defensiveness, all the better. But it is not necessary. Instruct your practice partner not to be “harder than life.” In the practice session, you should achieve your assertive goal if you follow the assertion process.

• Securing an appointment to converse with the the other can be very important for the success of your assertion. If you have not agreed to talk for at least ten minutes to half an hour, the other can make the defensive response of breaking the session off in the middle, saying she has other things to do right now.

• Crying is often a manipulative way to avoid confrontations and dodge any behavioral change even though the individual is trespassing on another person’s space. Unfortunately, this method can be highly effective.

• The recipient of an assertion message is often very indirect and vague when she begins to move from a defensive posture to a problem-solving role. She may drop a hint in the midst of highly defensive remarks. If you can note it and reflect it back, you will shorten that process and decrease the stressfulness that both parties may be experiencing.

• “One of the marks of adult maturity is a balanced relationship between the emotions and rational control systems, which allows for emotional responses without permitting them to overwhelm reason.”

• An assertion process designed to help the asserter get her needs met while responding constructively to the expected defensiveness of the other person follows these six steps: Preparation Sending the Assertion Message Being Silent Reflectively Listening to the Defensive Response Recycling the Process Focusing on the Solution

• It is sometimes helpful to distinguish between five types of interpersonal relationships: Very nourishing relationships—these contribute greatly to my life. Mildly nourishing relationships—these make some contribution to my development and/or to my enjoyment of life. Noncontributing relationships—these neutral encounters do nothing for me. Mildly toxic relationships—these slightly diminish my selfhood and/or my enjoyment of life. Very toxic relationships—these excessively demanding, hostile, or nerve-wracking relationships are very depleting to me.

• “Punishment hardens and numbs, it sharpens the consciousness of alienation, it strengthens the power of resistance.”

• According to Dreikurs, rewards are no more effective than punishment. He has two primary complaints about rewards: they tend to harm the recipient’s personality, and in the long run they cease to be effective. Rewards demonstrate a lack of respect for the other person. We reward our inferiors for good deeds and favors. Rewards also signal a lack of trust—else why would we have to bribe a person for good behavior?

• Reflective Listening, Then “No.” A friend of mine commonly uses this approach. She reflects both the content and feeling of the request and then states her no: “You really need me to crew for you in the sailing races. I’d love to do it but I made a prior commitment. I just can’t do it this weekend.”

• In one noted series, the University of Wisconsin’s Dr. Harry Harlow reared several generations of monkeys and showed that those which were raised by nonfighting monkey mothers would not make love.

• Philosopher John Dewey wrote, “Conflict is the gadfly of thought. It stirs us to observation and memory. It instigates to invention. It shocks us out of sheeplike passivity, and sets us at noting and contriving…. Conflict is a sine qua non of reflection and ingenuity.”

• Heightened tolerance and acceptance of others also tends to diminish unrealistic conflict. To some degree our levels of tolerance and acceptance are conditioned by our upbringing and possibly even by genetic factors. But each of us can become more tolerant and accepting than we now are. Greater assertiveness, increased emotional support in our lives, effective courses in communication skills, and incorporating some of the wisdom of Rational Emotive Therapy16 are some ways of increasing one’s tolerance and acceptance.

• Factors in issues control include the following: It is often preferable to begin by establishing procedures for handling disputes rather than dealing immediately with substantive issues. It is often preferable to deal with one issue at a time. It is often preferable to break issues down into smaller units rather than deal with enormous problems with many parts. It is often preferable to start with issues that you believe can be most easily resolved to the satisfaction of all parties. It is important to eventually get down to the basic issues. When there is one fight after another, George Bach says, someone should have the sense to take the needle off the broken record and demand, “Will the real problem please stand up?”

• When feelings run high, rational problem solving needs to be preceded by a structured exchange of the emotional aspects of the controversy.

• Don’t say, “I know how you feel.” The other person will rarely believe it. Don’t offer explanations, apologies, or make any other statements at this point. Discipline yourself to understand the opinions and suggestions or feelings of the other person—from her point of view—and then reflect those thoughts and feelings back to the other in a succinct statement.

• Because there are three steps involved in it, some people call the conflict resolution process the one-two-three process: Treat the other person with respect. Listen until you “experience the other side” and reflect content, feelings, and meanings. Briefly state your own views, needs, and feelings.

• “If I can listen to what he can tell me, if I can understand how it seems to him, if I can see its personal meaning for him, if I can sense the emotional flavor which it has for him, then I will be releasing potent forces of change in him.”

• During a conflict, focus on the emotions first. One way of doing this constructively is to use the conflict resolution method: treat the other with respect; listen and restate to the other’s satisfaction; and briefly state your point of view.

• The problem-solving approach allows for mental double-declutching. It does not require a direct switch from one point of view to another. It provides a period “in neutral” where there is an openness to facts and, therefore, a willingness to consider an alternative view.1 —William Reddin, management consultant

• Premature forgiveness can be a well-intentioned but destructive way of avoiding conflict. Premature forgiveness is an effort to patch up a relationship without working through the angry and hurt feelings and other conflicted realities of the relationship.

• Here are the six steps of the process: Define the problem in terms of needs, not solutions. Brainstorm possible solutions. Select the solution(s) that will best meet both parties’ needs and check possible consequences. Plan who will do what, where, and by when. Implement the plan. Evaluate the problem-solving process and, at a later date, how well the solution turned out.

• Don’t evaluate. Evaluation thwarts creativity. It tends to make people defensive and they are likely to keep their ideas to themselves.

• “When you fail to use your creative problem-solving talent, you strike at the quality of your own life.”

• Researchers and theorists in the behavioral sciences claim there are three key qualities that foster improved communication: genuineness, nonpossessive love, and empathy. Genuineness means being honest and open about one’s feelings, needs, and ideas. It is a stubborn refusal to let one’s real self “travel incognito.” Nonpossessive love involves accepting, respecting, and supporting another person in a nonpaternalistic and freeing way. Empathy refers to the ability to really see and hear another person and understand him from his perspective.

• The noted nineteenth-century political cartoonist Thomas Nast once attended a party with a group of friends. Someone asked him to draw a caricature of everyone present. This he did with a few skilled strokes of his pencil. The sketches were passed around for the guests to identify. Everyone recognized the other persons, but hardly anyone recognized the caricature of himself.

• Real love is not intrusive. It does not violate the privacy of others. It does not try to force its way into the inner sanctum of another’s personality.

• Genuine love fosters great potency in the other. It diminishes his dependency. It does not conspire with his weakness, but calls forth the other’s strength. Love holds back from “helping” another when that “help” is likely to diminish the other’s responsibility for his own life.

• Two frequent problems with ineffective training are the educational design and the inability of the trainer to utilize the skills or express the key qualities while teaching the course.